No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
