Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Randomize
