i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
