I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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