captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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