sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize