Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
