I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
