Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I enjoy the company of your penis
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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