I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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