I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize