The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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