I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
