So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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