New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
