Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
