You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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