not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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