Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
