then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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