There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
