She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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