he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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