chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
