I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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