I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
