That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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