Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
