people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
