i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
