he looks like a really good dad on facebook
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
How does one acquire holy water?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
