If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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