Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
