so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
