I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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