I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize