if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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