I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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