I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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