I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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