apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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