i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
