your thong is hanging out like whoa
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
