You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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