you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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