Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
