I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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