Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I need to align my fucking chakras
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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