I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
