just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
