I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize
