I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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