You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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