when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize
