i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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