mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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