Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
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