Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
