I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize