my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
