I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I am one with the molecules
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
