i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
