i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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