Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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