Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
