It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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