I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you traded sex for a burrito?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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