Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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