i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
me + whiskey = a bad person
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
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