you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
