LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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