I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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