This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
