i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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